I expected to get SO much more done. Kinda had an internal crisis midway through the vacation, so i guess that can justify it, but Im still disappointed.
I started my Seeker’s Streaming Summer Quest shortly after school ended, but I haven’t touched it after 3 games, due to an unsatisfactory feeling of being unproductive. Seeing peers actually produce things, and achieving things, while I search for that last boss in Metroid, just felt unacceptable. Even if Im making something productive out of it: writing, critiquing (and small amounts of production work as extension), I still cant escape the task that it really is: reviewing a toy made for leisure. I still enjoy writing about them, and enjoy video games as a medium, but it cant be my only focus anymore. I look at these past days spent only playing games with regret.
I’ve done vaguely artistic things (someone please punch me for using the word ‘artistic’, I’m pretentious) I bought a camera, so I can actually get out and start taking pictures, now that its not only a cool app on my phone. I’ve been painting more, something I wrongfully disavowed. Shoving foot in my mouth, Its actually really fun. I like getting messy. Ive been drawing more, oh god is it hard fitting back in these old shoes. I still haven’t grown back my confidence, but like Lazarus in his pit, I feel it returning. Damn, have I been left in the dust (I have you to blame/love/hate/adore/respect for all this, tumblr).
I haven’t recorded a thing. I’ve been more concerned with getting stable equipment than settling with creating with what I have, unsatisfied with muting every sound in my room in order to isolate instruments for my phone/Ipad audio recorders. With this I now have a more acceptable way of exploring, I just need to actually get off my ass. (Probably the plan for the day)
That’s what I haven’t done: Here’s what I’ve been doing. My time has been spent doing something Ive never bothered to try: Getting out and exploring-
-Quick recap then Ill get to that- After ending school only returning to the void of my hobbit hole, I was reminded of every reason why I left my comfort zones and started school in the first place: I was a lonely, bored to tears hermit. Coming home to only to hop back on the video game train felt so unsatisfying. For lack of a better explanation, its safe to say the past 5 years have been spent on that railroad, with only in the past year have I been writing about video games, in order to spark my life with purpose and give the endless leisure a bit of productivity. Returning after finally escaping felt like I had lost so much progress. Especially with the few friends I hadn’t pushed away with introverted-based hatred, now suddenly nonexistent once I was free. Feeling really depressed for the first few weeks left me at the perfectly low point. By the second or third week wasted, I was ready to step out into a new world of possibilities I had shunned away-
-Now back to my point, The lack of any tangible evidence of my productivity has been because I’ve, in a strange escape from character, have been out and about, exploring the world around me. I’ve always hated where I live, Swearing off “that I’ll leave this place in the dust” but never setting foot outside my door. Really poor execution of my escape, no? I agree. Hence why, slowly but surely Ive been stepping out into the dense world, that frankly scares the shit out of me. Since its completely impossible to suggest getting up and leaving today, I realized I’m pretty stuck with exploring Level01: Small town before I’m allowed access to Level100: Metropolis, so might as well stick around and gain the experience so I can level up out of here.
Anyways, like I said none of this excuses my lack of attention to bring you things, but it does explain them. Returning to school with nothing to show for my summer will certainly be a bummer, but I dont see it as a total loss. As Ive stepped out in the unknown, I feel a deeper sense of accomplishment, an internal one. I feel ready to embrace the darkness, With all the fears and strengths that come along with it.
These words have never had greater meaning